I just left my job to pursue my life's work - building a mental wellbeing startup.
I wrote this article to reflect as I transition into a new phase of my life and so those I meet in the next phase will have an understanding of where i’m coming from.
I’ve been endlessly passionate about understanding the mind and what influences the quality of our subjective experience since I was 18.
Up until the age of 18, I had no concept of mental health because I didn’t need to; I was lucky.
Within 30 minutes of ingesting the first drug I had ever taken (LSD) that all changed.
Nothing in my “external, objective reality” had changed; I was still on the same beach, by the same fire, with the same group of friends.
However, my perception of that reality had changed; my internal or “subjective reality” was now completely different.
Everything flipped; summer air turned cold, beach sand turned sharp on my skin, every subtle expression from my friends now seemed menacing.
Suddenly I felt empty, terrified and alone.
As these feelings intensified until I couldn't speak coherent sentences, then I couldn’t think coherent sentences, even my experience of time felt jagged and inconsistent.
“It must be the drug, but if that’s the case why am I not hallucinating, i’m not seeing anything that isn’t there.”
I was completely alone in my head and had no idea what was happening to me.
“Just sleep, it’ll wear off”.
I barely slept but when I opened by eyes the next morning, I felt some short relief but then I began to inspect my reality, investigating how things looked and felt, and listening to the thoughts rolling around in my head.
The more I surveyed the more concerned I became, my heart starts racing and my world flipped again.
“Why do I feel the same. I can’t trust my thoughts, communication feels hard, and I can’t put my finger on it but everything looks different”.
This went on for months, coming and going in waves.
I never felt “the same”, I was constantly confused, scared, sad or exhausted.